My Eldest Love

i still remember....
kohkoh & i were sort of closest to thai thai & poh poh, compared to other cousins. when we were young we lived together. i guessed it was because of that, that the bonding between us were much stronger. once in a while, they would buy us things, just 2 of us. i love them.

when pp passed away in 1996, i couldnt take it, i cried for the next 2 weeks. everytime i think of her, tears start rolling down my cheeks. thaithai handled better. watching her own daughter leave before her... was more hurting than anything else.

i still remember....
the first time she fell down, she was admitted to the hospital. i was still with 'flame', so i had all the time i want. i would visit her everyday. sit next to her for 3 whole hours, rubbing and massaging her legs. i would tell her everything that happened. i would hold her hand and chat with her. the nurses said she was so lucky to have such a nice family to go see her everyday. yes she was indeed. all her grandchildren & great grandchildren visited her everyday.

i went to the temple to pray for her. every 1st & 15th of the lunar calendar, she would go to the temple to pray, and eat vegetarian & spend everyone there. for the months that she cant walk, i went personally to the temple (she normally goes), to pray for her. i pray for her health, for her to quickly heal. i pray to lessen her pain, she is too old to be in that position.

i talked to the 'sifu'. everyone there knows thaithai. she was the oldest there. she said she will pray for her too. i went there so many times that the people there were quite surprised. they said it's hard to find someone so young to visit the temple so often.

thai thai was praying everyday to go home. what more does a 103-year-old woman want than to spend time with her family? she was so determined to walk again, i'm so proud to find her so motivated to walk at her age. a lot of people would have given up. she worked so hard to live.

when she was home, i continued to visit her maybe once or twice a week. knowing that she was so old, it takes longer time for her to recover. her legs were still pain. i massage her everytime i see her.

i still remember...
when i hold her hand to talk to her, she would look into my eyes and say,
"you know, you are very 'kuai'. you hold my hand, you massage me, you come see me, the other (some cousins) dont even talk to me. they think that i'm old and useless. they dont even dare to touch me."

my reply,
"no, dont say that. everyone loves you, but they dunno how to express. everyone wants you to be happy and healthy."

i still remember...
there was once the doctor gave her a dose that made her so blur. she didnt recognise anyone at all. when i went over to her, held her hands, she immediately called out my name. i burst into tears.

my prayers are the same everyday,
"po yau mummy, baba, kohkoh, rayern, yapjai, thaithai & ngor san thei kin hong, soon soon lei lei, chut yup ping on, hoi hoi sum sum."

thai thai i love you, forever in my heart