I visited a psychiatrist yesterday at PJ New Town. My cousin - Ben, somehow managed to psycho me in to seeing this "so call" specialist. I was so reluctant with this meeting as i feel it was unnecessary and a total waste of time! I do not like or should i say i do not BELIEVE in paying some stranger a few hundred bucks to tell your problems to and wait for "this stranger" to reply you with what he thinks you should do. How peculiar!!! I don't even call up OD or AM to tell my problems but i see a stranger to tell him my whole life story is it? But somehow my persuasive cousin after repeated beggings and brainwashing made me promise him that I will go see this doc to assist me if i have depression or if i do not have, then atleast pay him to confirm that i do not suffer from depression.

Ben said this doctor is so good and well-known that his appointments are all full till Jan 2007 and because Ben's FIL is a doctor that is why he can get me an impromptu walk-in. Ben picked me up at 2pm and we were there by 2.20pm, parked the car and i was already in the room by 2.45pm. By 3.05pm i came out from the room, myface was not cheerful nor was I pleased with the doc's services. Ben knew something was not right, he asked how come you came out so fast one? Was the doctor not helpful or has he within 20 minutes already gauged that you are one crasy BITCH? muakakakakakaka...(my cousin is always more hailam ting than i am although he is a hakka)

With the sulkiest and "i told you!!!!" look, i answered "i was more like the psychiatrist and he was like my patient ok!" MFL!!!!! Kui ho che lan kum ah!!!! Ben asked: What did he say? Why you so angry?

Janie said: I went in and i started off with Renee's age, then followed by Reeve and details of my latest pregnancy and the ordeal. Then i told him about how things drifted away between ron and i after renee. Reeve was considered an accident child but we were very happy with him. After r2r arrived i was busy at home taking care of them, i came home as early as 4.30pm every day to spend time with them when ron would be back by 8.30pm - 9pm (gym), as Reeve was growing up, things took a plunge between ron and i, there was communications breakdown, there was no touches, activities between husband and wife was unimaginable. Despite of all the warnings from me to him, he continued with whatever he thought was right but things did took a turn after the first few times of me bringing up the issue. He sent flowers, he apologised, he was sweet for the first 2 months but later it just returned to normal again! The relationship was slowly dying, but he didnt realise the severity, he kept thinking once we signed the papers we will be together till the day we die. It never occur to him that I would ever pop the question! Feb this year, i have been having insomia, i initially blamed it on the pillow, the mattress and everything under the sun. Later i realised that it may be depression as i cry myself to sleep almost 3 nights in a week. I turned to sleeping pills, that didnt help either, i would doze off but wake up at around 2.15am and roll till 4.30 then sleep again without fail.

One night, i told myself if I continue suffering, crying and not sleeping I would go koo-koo in no time. I started opening up myself. I started going out to drink with friends, colleagues, i went to karaoke, i don't go clubbing, i smoke, but i don't do drugs nor do i "feng tau". I always ensure that i am sober to drive home and also drive my gal friends home. At times, i want to get drunk so badly but ended up being so sober...i suppose when you want something to happen so much the results is always the reverse. Hmmm....whatelse???? oh ya, then i was pregnant and i lost the bb. My husband didn't console me, he didn't give me a hug, no kisses, nor did he say anything to make me feel better. I happen to casually asked him to kiss my forehead after a week of the dnc, but he turn me down and said he was not ready, i asked him again after 3 days, he said NO! We argued that night, he screamed "you asked for it, you complained so much about the pregnancy and now you got what you wanted!!" From that day onwards my heart sank and it died together with the bb...(i noticed that the doctor's face was expressionless and unresponsive, so i decided to stop here and let him advice me or analyse my situation)

Janie asked: "So...doctor, do you think I am depressed? Any post or pre-natal depression?"

Doctor: Folded his lips, tilted his body, blinked his eyes and he said the following:-

1. Erm....you are depressed...yes, that explains why you couldn't sleep and wakes up early, it is called Early Awakening (durrrrr..tell me something i dont know! damit! my niece MM could have extracted that from the net and told me)

2. Perhaps, you can get your MIL, ur FIL, ur MUM, DAD or someone close to talk to your husband about his coldness...that is one suggestion or you could open up and talk to your husband yourself (bloody shit! by now, i feel bloody ripped-off although i still have not gotten the bill yet! Mah Hai!!! Kong Mat Lan Yea ah???? You think I have not tried?????)

3. Lastly, you can go to a marriage councellor and at the same time, take anti-depressants to calm and tranquil yourself, this pill is not going to make you fall in love with your husband but it will ease your mind (did the square face doctor just bloody cracked a fucking joke???)

By now, the doc already gave me his solutions, so what next? he wants to listen to more stories of mine or the session is over? i was puzzled until he nodded and say "ok la, i see you in two weeks to see how you progress ok"

Janie: In my heart, i was swearing and cursing!!!!! I walked out of the room and told Ben "I told you!"
Janie: Mah hai!!! somemore RM250 1 minute for RM10 ah???? Chi Bai!
Ben: hahahaahahahhahahaha....your husband got money ma, release your stress, spend "kau" his money la..."tiu mat lan yea?????"" hahahaahahah