12 weeks 4 days...

ok stop guessing...yes i am 3 months pregnant! i just found out last week from Jeremy Chuah that i am actually that far due. why i have not admitted to sandy + am's repeated questioning of "is raine here? "so are you pregnant?" "any good news" etc... was because i couldn't get over the fact that i was actually pregnant again! i wanted a baby last november/december but not now, i am totally unarmed therefore it hit me real bad. i was in hardcore depression mode for almost 5days. i didn't pick up nor replied any sms's. i couldn't go anywhere, couln't face anyone, just couldn't do anything. all i did was cry..cry..cry all day! i cannot bear the thought of having 3 kids running around the house, the thought of going thru another damn confinement, the nightmare of the child falling from the bed while turning, of him/her contracting eczema and me finding ways to cure it and off coz loosing those flabs all over again. call me SELFISH! yes i admit! Just as i thought i was over the fact that Reeve's eczema was completely gone and that he can walk without banging his oversized head on the walls...the nightmare has begun all over again...

i had unlimited and unreasonable arguements with ron thoughout the weekend (he was so supportive, so calm and so patient with my berserk attitute) i know it is not his fault but he just wanted me to keep the baby, i on the other hand told Jeremy that i wanted an abortion right away, i was irrational and panicked, i walked down Bangsar Telawi weeping and feeling lost. it didn't hit me that i was pregnant until Jeremy said "lei koh baby ho tai jo lor" (your baby is very big already) i laid on the bed thinking what the fuck was he talking about? what do you mean #%%@@#$#%!@#$$???? i have been getting my period every month on the dot! he said it is b'coz my uterus is weak that's why i was bleeding, he then showed me the hands, backbone, feet, arm etc...as u can imagine, i was utterly shock and all i could think of was no..no..not now... he referred me to Sentul Maternity Hospital on Saturday morning to have an abortion (if i wanted), the doctor scanned me and explained to me the size and features of the baby, i could not look into the monitor as i didn't want that one look to affect my decision. i was crying all the way during the explaination, i closed my eyes and all i could think of was i wanted the abortion ASAP. the indian doc cheerfully pointed out to me that the baby was playing inside there and his eyes has already formed since Wednesday. he sat me down and started asking ron and i why i was acting so emotional, i choked on my reply, i cried so much that i had to leave the room to cry more...lastly I COULD NOT do it!

i went home to tell my mum that i went to Sentul on a pretext of and abortion. she shook her head (expected her to scold me, but she didn't) and told me what a SIN i would have caused if i had done that! she told me nothing in this world is unsolvable. she didn't say much to me which i really appreciate (coz if she had then i may feel threatened and gotten more emotional) she even asked me if i wanted to play mahjong to ease my tension, she will call her kaki back, then when i shook my head, she asked me again "you want a cigarette to calm down, but only one for now..nomore ok, just for today and now". i accepted the generous offer but threw it away after a few puffs. She said she knew i will not smoke that ciggy for long. My mum gave me a very docile, dedicated and angelical smile which made me feel so stupid and foolish for thinking otherwise...a mother will unconditionally love her children nomatter what happens, how could i have the slightest thought of being so inhumane?

i confronted a friend of ours, as she has the experience in abortion (not going to reveal her name here, but she will know who she is) she was just there with me, sms over sms to calm me and to prevent me from doing it. i really thank her for those comforting messages she sent. she repeatedly reminded me to think of my kids, ron and especially my health. Don't know how to thank her...

The sight and thought of that baby playing happily in my stomach, the sincere heart which my hubby carries to Hadyai every now and then to donate coffins (the last he did that was on Friday, 1day after he found out i was pregnant) for those who died in hit and run cases/tsunami etc...you mean one of those coffins he donated last week is for my baby? that fact is just too cruel to accept, can i live with a murderer labelled on me for life? all these just puts a hold to all the bad thoughts i had for this baby. Who am i to decide on ending his fragile life? what rights have i got to to stop him from breathing? trust me, as i am writing now, tears are pouring down my cheeks, the thought of aborting this lil' fella haunts me of guilt! if only he/she knew what his insane, tormented mother was about to do to him/her 2 days ago...

E.D.C: May 8,9,10th 2006
E.D.D: Jan 28th 2007

please don't call me now, i am still not ready to talk ok, thank you all for listening...