to vp...

vp, if i were to tell you that i understand what you're going through, i may be half right and half wrong.

you see, once upon a time, i had a very loving-and-caring-with-all-tenderness-if-you-want-anything-i-give-you ex-boyfriend. he lavished upon me nice and expensive gifts. he even promised to marry me when i turned 26. well, as you can well observe, the fairytale didn't have a happily ever ending for he and i.

it all took a turn for the worst when i started being depressed and started to screw everything up. i don't believe till this day that it's totally my fault. i always believe that it took 2 to tango. i was so depressed that i cried every night and wanted to just die... i admitted myself into the hospital for 4D/3N. my parents were worried sick for me. but, it was a recovery period for me. first, i had a handsome doctor (all the nurses were envious of me because i get to spend time alone with him). secondly, the hospital food is so delicious... i had pork chop. please remember that all of these happened in the States. after i was discharged and completed my semester, i came back to malaysia for my family's support.

i was on medication (remeron) for a year. but after that, i prayed to God for strength and courage to live once again; and i stopped taking the medication myself. a year after that, my ex-boyfriend couldn't handle my situation and left me for another christine. it sucked big time but after all the crying and with the support of my loved ones, i faced the world with a new strength. i became excessively independent (and i try very hard to continue being independent even now that i'm married) and i did what made me happiest... figure skating. until today, once in a while i know i feel that cloud of depression over me but i will always take control of my own happiness.

vp, what i'm trying to share with you here is that, you're not the only one who goes through such difficult times and that you will always have family and friends that are more than willing to be your listener. do what will make you happiest. you will have to love yourself first. we all care for you and would love to see you happy.

I visited a psychiatrist yesterday at PJ New Town. My cousin - Ben, somehow managed to psycho me in to seeing this "so call" specialist. I was so reluctant with this meeting as i feel it was unnecessary and a total waste of time! I do not like or should i say i do not BELIEVE in paying some stranger a few hundred bucks to tell your problems to and wait for "this stranger" to reply you with what he thinks you should do. How peculiar!!! I don't even call up OD or AM to tell my problems but i see a stranger to tell him my whole life story is it? But somehow my persuasive cousin after repeated beggings and brainwashing made me promise him that I will go see this doc to assist me if i have depression or if i do not have, then atleast pay him to confirm that i do not suffer from depression.

Ben said this doctor is so good and well-known that his appointments are all full till Jan 2007 and because Ben's FIL is a doctor that is why he can get me an impromptu walk-in. Ben picked me up at 2pm and we were there by 2.20pm, parked the car and i was already in the room by 2.45pm. By 3.05pm i came out from the room, myface was not cheerful nor was I pleased with the doc's services. Ben knew something was not right, he asked how come you came out so fast one? Was the doctor not helpful or has he within 20 minutes already gauged that you are one crasy BITCH? muakakakakakaka...(my cousin is always more hailam ting than i am although he is a hakka)

With the sulkiest and "i told you!!!!" look, i answered "i was more like the psychiatrist and he was like my patient ok!" MFL!!!!! Kui ho che lan kum ah!!!! Ben asked: What did he say? Why you so angry?

Janie said: I went in and i started off with Renee's age, then followed by Reeve and details of my latest pregnancy and the ordeal. Then i told him about how things drifted away between ron and i after renee. Reeve was considered an accident child but we were very happy with him. After r2r arrived i was busy at home taking care of them, i came home as early as 4.30pm every day to spend time with them when ron would be back by 8.30pm - 9pm (gym), as Reeve was growing up, things took a plunge between ron and i, there was communications breakdown, there was no touches, activities between husband and wife was unimaginable. Despite of all the warnings from me to him, he continued with whatever he thought was right but things did took a turn after the first few times of me bringing up the issue. He sent flowers, he apologised, he was sweet for the first 2 months but later it just returned to normal again! The relationship was slowly dying, but he didnt realise the severity, he kept thinking once we signed the papers we will be together till the day we die. It never occur to him that I would ever pop the question! Feb this year, i have been having insomia, i initially blamed it on the pillow, the mattress and everything under the sun. Later i realised that it may be depression as i cry myself to sleep almost 3 nights in a week. I turned to sleeping pills, that didnt help either, i would doze off but wake up at around 2.15am and roll till 4.30 then sleep again without fail.

One night, i told myself if I continue suffering, crying and not sleeping I would go koo-koo in no time. I started opening up myself. I started going out to drink with friends, colleagues, i went to karaoke, i don't go clubbing, i smoke, but i don't do drugs nor do i "feng tau". I always ensure that i am sober to drive home and also drive my gal friends home. At times, i want to get drunk so badly but ended up being so sober...i suppose when you want something to happen so much the results is always the reverse. Hmmm....whatelse???? oh ya, then i was pregnant and i lost the bb. My husband didn't console me, he didn't give me a hug, no kisses, nor did he say anything to make me feel better. I happen to casually asked him to kiss my forehead after a week of the dnc, but he turn me down and said he was not ready, i asked him again after 3 days, he said NO! We argued that night, he screamed "you asked for it, you complained so much about the pregnancy and now you got what you wanted!!" From that day onwards my heart sank and it died together with the bb...(i noticed that the doctor's face was expressionless and unresponsive, so i decided to stop here and let him advice me or analyse my situation)

Janie asked: "So...doctor, do you think I am depressed? Any post or pre-natal depression?"

Doctor: Folded his lips, tilted his body, blinked his eyes and he said the following:-

1. Erm....you are depressed...yes, that explains why you couldn't sleep and wakes up early, it is called Early Awakening (durrrrr..tell me something i dont know! damit! my niece MM could have extracted that from the net and told me)

2. Perhaps, you can get your MIL, ur FIL, ur MUM, DAD or someone close to talk to your husband about his coldness...that is one suggestion or you could open up and talk to your husband yourself (bloody shit! by now, i feel bloody ripped-off although i still have not gotten the bill yet! Mah Hai!!! Kong Mat Lan Yea ah???? You think I have not tried?????)

3. Lastly, you can go to a marriage councellor and at the same time, take anti-depressants to calm and tranquil yourself, this pill is not going to make you fall in love with your husband but it will ease your mind (did the square face doctor just bloody cracked a fucking joke???)

By now, the doc already gave me his solutions, so what next? he wants to listen to more stories of mine or the session is over? i was puzzled until he nodded and say "ok la, i see you in two weeks to see how you progress ok"

Janie: In my heart, i was swearing and cursing!!!!! I walked out of the room and told Ben "I told you!"
Janie: Mah hai!!! somemore RM250 1 minute for RM10 ah???? Chi Bai!
Ben: hahahaahahahhahahaha....your husband got money ma, release your stress, spend "kau" his money la..."tiu mat lan yea?????"" hahahaahahah

bond sucks

my bro, pauline, uncle & i went for a fantastic dinner in italiannies, the curve. after that we went up to the cinema to wait for sin & johnny. nice nice, it has been quite a while since we last went for a movie. so we happily walked into the cinema looking forward to this new bond movie.

i have only 1 word to describe this show - SUCKS!!! i dont know, i find it not interesting as other bond movies. no action, no gadgets, no nothing... yikes. and daniel craig is not handsome...

very disappointing!!!

those who hasnt watch it, take my advise - forget it. if u really wanna watch, just go out to the pasar malam and get a vcd - that's wat it's worth.

love

during our wedding ceremony at cyberview lodge on 1st jan 2006, a very good friend of mine read a passage from the bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

it becomes a gentle reminder for me that in every marriage there will be disagreements. and i always try to remind myself not to quarrel but argue. and when we reach a certain point, the argument has to reach a solution and that solution usually requires a compromise from both parties. and in every argument, one of two must always be calm.

and i believe that a sense of humor has to exist in every marriage. it is important to laugh about things... and to keep living interesting.

Marriage

A friend of mine sent me this on Monday, just thought of sharing!

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open,and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone,don't let lust,desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other?

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking status,wealth and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

What keeps a relationship strong? Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor,sharing household tasks, some getaway time and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch).

Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send an email. Allow your mate to have outside interests. You can't always be together. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents.
Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer.

The greatest glory of living is not in never falling, but in rising everytime you fall ...